F.E.A.R.

I am not big on acronyms. They’re just one more thing I have to memorize, in order to remember something else. One that stuck, though, was F.E.A.R. It stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. The underlying premise is that most of our fears are in our heads. I truly believe that. Believing something and living it, however, is not always easy to do.

 

Years ago, I experienced my first panic attack. It was terrifying. I had never felt anything remotely close in terms of sheer, overwhelming, near paralyzing terror. It was fear on steroids. The “funny” thing was that I couldn’t pinpoint the actual cause. I awoke from sleep and, no, I wasn’t having a nightmare. The walls of the small apartment in France (I was on our 28^th anniversary celebration trip to Paris with my wife) were closing in on me. I got out of bed, pacing the narrow hallway, and struggled with a feeling of impending doom. I felt trapped at first, and wanted to run out of the small apartment into the open air of the street outside. Then, I imagined getting on an airplane, which is basically nothing more than a small, hollow enclosed tube full of people  in which you are trapped for hours, to fly home, and the feeling intensified. I realized I couldn’t return home. I actually thought of taking a ship home, then quailed at the idea of a week or more in a small stateroom.  I actually felt for a moment that I would be trapped in France forever, never to return home. The feeling eventually passed and I went back to bed and slept. Two more less intense attacks occurred in the next week, one on the elevator to the first level of the Eiffel Tower (I took the stairs down) and the other on the metro, when the crowded train stopped briefly in a tunnel. I made it home on the plane but the experience left me so shaken that it took two sessions of therapy with a psychologist to teach me how to handle these. I still travel with my security blanket in the form of a vial of Xanax, although I have never had to take one.

Fast forward a few years. Since that trip, I have never had a full blown panic attack but several close calls. A couple, ironically came in the pool, even though I love to swim. I have learned that when starting out on my swim, I have to allow several laps for my heart rate to kick up and  to establish rhythmic breathing. Until then, if I try to go too fast, I begin to feel panicky, as though I cannot catch my breath. Once I warm up, I am fine. On a couple of occasions, the pool at the YMCA has been too warm for comfort, up in the high 80’s, and I know on those days to slow down and take it easy, or I, again, begin to feel that panic well up. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the chaos that I know will accompany the mass start of the ironman when several thousand people run into the water and begin thrashing ‘en mass’. I expect to be punched or kicked a few times before it is over.

 

Each week now is much the same. I never sleep well on Sunday because I know that Monday morning a new training cycle begins with my AM swim at the YMCA. I am now one of the “group” of early morning swimmers, there around 6 AM. The others are usually done long before me, as I usually spend at least 1- ½ hours in the water. Now, I am ramping up my distances and the time commitment is growing. This is becoming a full time job- is a full time job if you consider how much of my day I am thinking about the ironman and all that goes into it.

 

I am excited, yes, and grateful- grateful that, at 60, I can even contemplate the possibility of doing something so outrageous. I have been blessed with good health all of my life, and an inborn desire to always be active, so that I have never really “let myself go” physically, as so many of my peers. I can’t take credit for that. As C.S. Lewis said, we cannot take credit for not doing things that we are not, by nature, tempted to do.

 

If I am honest, however, there is a definite element of fear. I am not quite sure of what. I am working on that. Is it fear of failure? Perhaps a little. After investing all the time and energy, and considerable money on the preparation, I would hate to fail to finish, but that possibility is real. Even the elite triathletes fail to finish at times. Is it the pain and discomfort that I know will accompany the effort? That too, but I have been uncomfortable and sore before, and survived. I think a part of it is fear of disappointment. I don’t want to disappoint myself, yes, but I also don’t want to disappoint those who are watching me do this, either overtly, or out of the corner of their eyes. I don’t want to disappoint my kids, for whom I hope this will be an inspiration to try to do daring things in their own lives. Heck, I don’t want to disappoint Karl and Misty, who have helped me so much in preparing for this.

My main goal, at this point, is to just make the cutoff times for the swim and bike portions, then let the run take care of itself. If I can get to the run with enough time left, I can run, walk, and/or crawl

to the finish. Of course, I would rather not do the last.

It isn't pretty.

In the final analysis, perhaps President Franklin D. Roosevelt said it best: “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I pray I have the ability to take that to heart.

 

** Changing things up a bit in this blog. I don’t think anyone much cares about the details of my training sessions, and I don’t plan to go back over these in the future, so I won’t be posting them any longer. The Florida Ironman Log and blog will be rolled into one. I will try to apply this experience to other aspects of life. There are lessons galore to be gleaned from the process.

Health to all……

Proprioception, or "do you know where your body is?"

“Did you feel it?” This is one of Karl’s (my trainer) three most common questions/comments to me during our weekly sessions at the National Training Center. The other two are “again”, usually after I just finished what I thought was the last set of an exercise group that left me gasping and doubled over, and “are you OK?”, which I assume means he’s probably worried that I may be having an impending coronary event. I don’t think he really wants to be responsible for my demise although sometimes, toward the end of a particularly brutal set, I think it would be divine justice if I grabbed my chest and keeled over……..

 

The “did you feel it?” is his query to determine if what I have been doing in our conditioning sessions is translating into a difference in how I run. This season of training has resulted in several discoveries on my part. One of these is how different my legs are. The left leg is stronger and more stable and I tend to use it more to compensate for the weaker, less stable right leg. I never appreciated this. It helps to explain many of the problems I have had related to running over the course of my adult life: the issues with my right knee of years ago, the various “-itises” I have have dealt in my left leg, including iliotibial band syndrome, obturator syndrome, and sciatica, all related to excessive stress and strain placed on that leg. Karl has me do various stretches and exercises designed to strengthen my right leg and/or correct the imbalance between the two legs. Understandably, he wants to know if I am feeling any benefits from these manipulations when I run. Up til now, not. This week, for the first time, I did.

 

Proprioception is one of our more important senses. The classic five senses- sight, touch, smell, hearing, and taste- are all external. They allow us to receive input from the world around us. Proprioception is an internal sense. It allows us to know where our body, and its various appendages (arms, legs, hands, fingers) are in space. We know if we are upright, sitting, or lying down without having to look at reference points. We use this sense unconsciously millions of times each day. To use a simple example, take driving your car. To stop you don’t have to look down to lift your foot from the gas pedal to move it to the brake. You know where your foot is. While driving, you can adjust the air conditioner, adjust the volume on the radio or change the station, activate the turn signal, pick up something off of the seat, and do a host of other things without looking away from the road, all because you know where your arms are at all times, without even realizing it. If we had to consciously look around at every moment to see where we are, life as we know it would be impossible. That’s proprioception.

In my running, Karl is trying to get me to run with my elbows held back, high, and bent at 90 degrees (so you can run with a pearl in the crook of the elbow without dropping it), use my hamstrings and gluteal muscles more as these the biggest and strongest muscles in the lower body, and, most important, lean forward. The latter is important because it pulls the body forward and all the feet have to do is keep up. These three things increase one’s running efficiency and help conserve energy, two very important advantages in endurance events like an ironman. It has been hard to “feel” these changes but this morning I did. The session called for 2 hrs with 60 minutes of 9:15 min/mi pace or faster and the remainder easy. Rather than try to obsess about pacing, I try to run according to perceived effort and this AM I ran at what I thought was a good pace for a 2 hour run. Halfway into the run, I could tell I was tiring a bit, but suddenly sensed that I was moving faster and more efficiently. Taking a “running” inventory (pun intended), I realized that I felt like I was leaning a bit more, and was using my hamstrings and “glutes” more. I felt like my speed actually picked up, without adding to my perceived effort. The end result was a run of nearly 11 miles in 1:40, or 9:10 min/mi for the entire run. Longest run this year and one of my fastest. I cut it short because I felt I had done enough for one morning. It was a nice feeling and further validation of my training so far.

Florida Ironman Training Log:

It has taken nearly 9 months but I am finally perceiving some objective fruits of all the training. I can ride my bike at a moderate to moderately hard effort for hours at a time and feeling like I have some gas in the tank at the end of that. The bike saddle seems to have molded to my butt, or vice versa; no numbness during the ride and no soreness after. I feel like my comfortable cadence on the run is faster and I move more efficiently. The swims are feeling good and I have confidence that swimming the full 3900 yards ironman distance will pose no serious challenges (as long as I stay out of the aquatic scrum in the middle of the mass start!)

This weeks totals:

Mon., 8/12- Swim, 2550 yards @ 2:12 min/100 yd, total time 1:03:16 hrs
                      Cycle (spinning), 7/28 miles @ 14.6 mph, total time 30:00
Tue., 8/13- Swim (at NTC), 1900 yards @ 2:20 min/100 yds, total time 49:12 min
                     Strength training, 1 hour
Wed., 8/14- Run, 3.5 miles @ 9:00 min/mi, total time 31:31 min
                      Cycle (spinning), 2.49 miles @ 12.9 mph, total time 30:06
Thu., 8/15- Swim, 3250 yards @ 2:23 min/100 yds, total time 1:17:26 hrs
Fri.,   8/16- Run, 11.33 miles @ 9:10 min/mi, total time 1:48:49 hrs
Sat.,  8/17- Cycle, 78.76 miles @ 15.8 mph, total time 4:59:33 hrs
 

 

Reality check

 

When reality strikes, all we can do is adjust. We can’t ignore it and we certainly cannot change it. Trying to change reality is another definition of insanity. Case in point: I had a great swim on Thursday. Killed it. I got into a nice zone and before I knew it, I had swam (swum?) 4000 yards, my longest swim ever, and 100 yards more than I will have to in a full ironman. This was obviously a nice boost to the self-confidence. The next day, I had a 1 hr 45 min run scheduled. I figured to tear that one up too. I left the house a little later than usual and it wasn’t long before everything fell apart. The heat and humidity were such that at 3 miles, I crashed big time, and from that point I was relegated to jogging a little, walking a lot, repeat, for the remainder of the session. It was a rude reminder not to get cocky and of the importance of adjusting to the reality of the circumstances. I wanted to just go home and throw in the towel for the day but instead I figured that I needed to stay out there, if for no other reason to work on acclimating to the heat and humidity. I decided that 1 hr 45 minutes of walking and running was better than not being out there at all.

We are so used to our climate controlled indoor environments that a couple of generations behind me have forgotten, or never known, that air conditioning was once the exception, not the universal rule. We think air conditioned comfort is reality when, in fact, most of the people in this world will never know an air conditioned day in their lives. I was 7 or 8 years old before my Dad bought our first window unit air conditioner, which he installed in the living room. The rest of the house remained “au naturel”, so for a number of years more, my only relief from the Florida summers was open jalousie windows and a small oscillating fan in my room. None of my aunts or uncles in Brazil, where I spent 3 months of each year, during summer vacation, had air conditioning either.

We have become so conditioned to having our environment perfectly temperature controlled that we lost the ability to actually live in our natural world. People seem to sprint from one air conditioned environment to another. This is a shame, not to mention one big cause of our energy consumption and a big chunk out of the average family budget. Regardless, I don’t see us going back any time soon. You’d think a country that can put a man on the moon, and seriously talks of sending some to Mars, could figure out a way to build reasonable cost houses that do not require constant air conditioning in the tropics.

Needless to say, my confidence heading out for 4 hr 30 min bike ride was at low ebb but I was pleasantly surprised that I managed the ride with a decent average speed of 15.6 mph. On the other hand, when I finished, I could not have imagined heading out immediately to run a marathon. What have I gotten myself into?

 Florida Ironman Training Log-

Most of my observations are noted above. Each week has its triumphs and failures. I think, at least I hope, I am seeing small but steady improvements. Swimming 4000 yards was a big milestone. I spent the evening checking out the Florida Ironman website for information and was pleased to confirm that the weather is generally moderate, the bike and run courses are  flat, and, best of all, they stock GU gel, which I am training with, at  all the water stops. Every week is a mental exercise in staying focused, motivated, and positive. I am reading a book, Iron War, about the historic Hawaii Ironman in which Dave Scott and Mark Allen went head to head for the entire race. I know who won but I won’t give it away here for any readers. The book chronicles the background and training of each of them in exhaustive detail. All I can think is, “who are these people who will subject themselves to such mind numbing years of training, pain, and effort to win a race?”. It make for compelling reading. My boundless admiration goes out to them.

 Week’s Summary-

Mon. 8/5- Swim, 2450 yds @ 2:17 min/100 yds, total time 1:08:09 hrs

                    Bike, 7.83 mi @ 14.4 mph, total time 32:39 min (spinning on trainer w intervals)
Tue. 8/6- Swim, 1075 @ 2:30 min/100 yds, total time 40:07 min (Masters swim at NTC)
                 Strength training, 1 hour
Wed. 8/7- Run, 3.49 mi @ 8:53 min/mi, total time 31 min (with speed intervals)
Thu. 8/8- Swim, 4000 yds @ 2:20 min/100 yds, total time 1:33:19 hrs
Fri. 8/9- Run, 8.63 mi @ 11:50 min/mi, total time 1:42:08 hrs
Sat. 8/10- Bike, 71.75 mi @ 15.6 mph, total time 4:35:59 hrs

Talking to myself

Talking to oneself is not something most people would readily admit to, unless they are a ventriloquist. After all, isn’t that one of the diagnostic criteria for crazy people? I submit, however, that most, if not all, of us do it all the time. Talking to oneself is does not always take the form of someone in the throes of a psychotic meltdown talking to him or herself as though they are two separate people. Psychologists call the inner conversations we have with ourselves every day “self-talk”. It can be the byproduct of a normal, healthy mind.

 Self-talk reflects our inner thoughts as we react to circumstances and situations throughout our day. It may be something as simple as, “I’d better get going; I’m going to be late” or “I wonder what she sees in him (or him in her).” It can be positive- “I can do this.” It can be negative- “I just can’t do this.” We are constantly assessing, evaluating, calculating, and judging past, present, and future events in our lives.

Of course, self-talk should reflect reality. It doesn’t do much good for me to self-talk myself about winning the ironman. Just isn’t going to happen. Depressed people often engage in negative self-talk that does not reflect reality. Positive self-talk can be very helpful when predicated on a foundation of real past achievements, sometimes even when not.  

 

Athletes deal with self-talk perhaps more than most people. Developing the habit of positive self-talk is a very important training tool in the kit of most elite athletes. Self-talk can build up an athlete and make him or her confident in their training and ability, or it can be just the opposite. Many episodes of “choking” in sports competitions are probably the due to negative self-talk.

 This week, my Monday morning began with getting up after a poor night’s sleep- less than 6 hours with 2 awakenings in the middle of the night. Enough to keep me from getting restful sleep. The idea of dragging myself out of bed, skipping breakfast and reading my morning paper, driving in the dark to the YMCA, and jumping in the pool for a long swim, with fast intervals, was decidedly unappealing. On the drive over my mind kept telling me this was too hard, I was too tired, I didn’t need to do this. It was also asking me why. Why was I putting myself out to this extent? What would be so bad about never doing an ironman triathlon? After all, most people in this life will never do one. It was enough to make me quit right then and there. I didn’t, though. I just keep on driving and, once I got to the Y, I just got my gear, walked in, and headed for the pool. Jumping into the cool water felt great. From there, I had perhaps the best swim I have had, ever. I felt great, fast, and the time just flew. I did my drills and finished the entire workout. Heading to the office, I was definitely on a “high” and the rest of the day just continued to go well. It was a great example of not letting self-defeating, negative self-talk get the upper hand.

I had a small epiphany as a result. I realized that looking at this ironman triathlon as something  I HAVE to do, is looking at  it all wrong. This is something I GET to do. I use the same reasoning in my profession when things get a little tough. I am fortunate that it is possible for me to even consider an  ironman at my age and with my limited physical gifts. I should thank God for the privilege, something I have tried to do and resolve to do more.

Florida Ironman Training Log:

After the great swim at the YMCA on Monday, I had a good swim session at the NTC and strength session with Karl, who  continues to try to build me up, even if it kills me. Thursday was interesting. I went to the YMCA with a planned session of 2800 yards with 1600 yards of fast/hard drills. The pool temperature was 88-90 and I could feel the unpleasant warmth the minute I jumped in. After my warm up, I tried to do my drills but in a couple of laps I was feeling panicked, out of breath, and HOT. I stopped and almost left the pool then and there. Instead, after catching my breath, I decided to adjust and just see what I could do with a long, slow swim. By the time I checked my watch, I had done 3625 yards in 1 hour 34 minutes- my longest swim ever. I could have kept going but had to get out to get to work. It was a nice validation of my training so far that this swim got done. Progress. It’s nice to see.  

 

Week’s sessions:

Mon., 7/29- Swim, 2775 yards @ 2:20 min/100 yds, total time 1:13:46 hr

                      Spin, 8.21 miles @ 14.1 mph, total time 35:01 min

Tue., 7/30- Swim at NTC, 1475 yards @2:23 min/100 yds, total time 47:57 min

Wed., 7/31- Run, 3/5 miles @ 8:39 min/mi, total time 30:16 min

Thu., 8/1- Swim, 3625 yards @ 2:32 min/100 yds, total time 1:34:33 hrs

Fri.,  8/2- Run, 9.16 miles @ 9:18 min/mi, total time 1:25:13 hrs

Sat., 8/3- Bike, 65.05 miles @ 15.4 mph, total time 4:12:51 hrs